Talk is cheap: Dubai triathlete conversations

As a triathlete here in Dubai, I often find myself having lots and lots of the same cut and paste conversations.

Here are just a few of the regulars – for any of you who are also training and racing here in Dubai, I'm sure they're pretty familiar. For everyone else, they probably provide a bizarre insight into this here lifestyle that we've chosen in the desert.

Friend: What you up to this weekend?

Me: Well, I do have a long bike ride in Hatta and a big swim and run to do but after that I'll probably...

Friend: WOW! Isn't it a bit hot for that now?

Me: Yeah, but we start at 3am to avoid the hottest part of the day.

Friend: What do you do that for?

Me: Well, I'm training for an Ironman.

Friend: What's that?

Me: Like a long triathlon. A 3.8km swim, 180km bike and then a full marathon.

Friend: A marathon marathon? A full one? After all that?

Me: Yep.

Friend: You're not right in the head.

Training for Ironman: madder than a man with plungers stuck to his butt cheeks.

Colleague: (Cough, cough, splutter, sneeze, cough)

Me: You OK?

Colleague: Yeah (cough, splutter). Not feeling too well. Bit of a cold.

Me: That sucks. Can I get you anything?

Colleague: No, (cough, splutter, sneeze, splutter) thanks.

Me: Hope you feel better soon.

(the following week)

Me: (Ahem, cough)

Colleague: You're ill! It's coz you train too much!

This is Barney Bear. He trains too hard.

Me: So, what pace am I looking for here, coach?

Coach: All in, mate. All in.

Me: How about the bike? I was thinking around 70% max, really upping it on the last 7kms back to the car.

Coach: Erm... nah, all in.

Me: And the recovery run afterwards?Just 6min/km?

Coach: Or all in?

Me: Hey dude, not seen you for a bit. How you doing?

Newbie triathlete: Heart rate, long ride, good technique, PB! Swim, swim, competitor.com, triradar.com, new bike. Physio, hard ride, track session.

Me: Er, OK. Cool.

Newbie triathlete: Macca, Crowie, Chrissie, Lance. Raelerts, Brownlees, Gomez, Doherty, Whitfield. Rinnie. MUPPET!

Me: Sure..? Any plans for the weekend?

Newbie triathlete: Ironman, Ironman, never done a sprint.

Wolfi's sales guy: Hi mate how can I help?

Me: Just need a tubular tire, please.

Wolfi's sales guy: OK, no problem. We have this one but check out this one – only problem is it only fits on to this new Zipp Funkmeister wheel. It's made from a form of carbon fibre that isn't discovered until 2019!

Me: OK, sounds great.

Wolfi's sales guy: Course, if you have a Funkmeister on the back, you'll need a 700c RipCrunchBang on the front too. That's sold separately. It weighs -1.6g!

Me: Shit yes, I need that in my life.

Wolfi's sales guy: Now, with the Funkmeister/RipCrunchBang wheel set up, you can obviously only run the new Shimano 2iD gearing. It was developed by Tom Cruise on the set of Minority Report and the material is mined from the second moon of Saturn. They're fully telepathic and, by the time you've even thought about changing gear, they've already changed.

Me: Coolest. Thing. Ever.

Wolfi's sales guy: You'll also need a Scott frame.

Me: Er, right, sure.

Wolfi's sales guy: Do you have an SPS (Superior Pelvic Support) saddle? It's the only type that'll go with all this. The Sultan of Brunei crafts them all by hand – they're designed to feel like your bum is being kissed by 16 nubile virgins.

Me: Throw it in!

Wolfi's sales guy: And these are the new Profile Design XPC445DDD Mk 7b aerobars. They fire proton torpedoes like Luke used to destroy the Death Star. In fact, they're exactly the same as Chrissie Wellington used to bring down Nazism in the Second World War.

Me: YES!

Wolfi's sales guy: Do you want a bag for all this? They cost Dhs.2.

Me: Err, well, hmmm, better not... trying to save!

Wolfi's sales guy: OK, well, carry the 2, add the 4, to the power of six... that'll be all the Yuan in China, please.

Me: Sweet!

Riding his Scott X-Wing on his way to the 1977 Inter-Galazy Ironman title.  Mainly coz Yoda sucked on the bike. 

Me: That was a tough long run – it's hot out there!

Ben/Ed/Marshall/Flanner/Piers/Hunty/Jordo etc etc: I know! For the last 56kms, I was struggling to keep my heart rate below 45% max at 3.25 pace!

Me: I hate you.

Me: Morning!

Security staff in my building (look at watch): HAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA! Freak!